2 steps forward, 3 steps back

It’s day 3 of being at home and I’m still learning the extent of the damage I’ve done to myself and also the magnitude of my misconceptions.

I really thought that I would notice immediate differences and the truth is that there are a few things that have improved over the last 2 days. I’d estimate that I’m dizzy only about 65% of the time now, as opposed to 80% on Monday. The tremor in my hands has eased off enough that it only took me 2 attempts to get my lenses in today, instead of the 5 it took yesterday. My scalp is starting to heal. But on the flip side of that, the headache is much worse, the sleeping is still a disaster, I’ve developed an irritating ringing in my ears and yesterday afternoon I started developing mouth ulcers. I also woke up this morning to my digestive system having a full scale meltdown, terrible indigestion followed by nausea followed by bleeding again. So yeah…small gains and big losses.

I don’t know why I thought I would see immediate results. Academically I know full well that it’s going to take at least a week and probably a lot longer before I start to notice any major change. I also know that it’s going to take work and mostly I’ve just been trying to come to terms with it instead of fixing it.

In truth, I pushed it too hard yesterday. I’m not good at relaxing when there’s so much stuff to do. I’m angry and frustrated and my inbuilt guilt complex is going to town on me. I thought that gently pottering about the house would be a good idea. I thought that if part of the stress complex was that this doesn’t look or feel like a home yet, making it better would make me better. All it really served to do was wipe me out. I underestimated the scale of my own exhaustion because I’m so used to it and so used to pushing through it.

So today has prompted another rethink. No pottering about. I’m trying to take it easy on myself. One of the resources that was suggested by friends and doctors alike was the mood juice website so that’s where I’m headed now, to see what I can do to help myself.

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