Day 5

So it’s day 5 since I called in and in all honesty, not much has changed. The tremor in my hands has almost completely subsided, although it’s worse in the evening still, when I’ve been cooking or trying to focus on something for longer than a few minutes at a time. The dizziness is the same. It’s eased off during most of the day but by the evening, it starts getting bad again. Mostly I’m just tired. Cripplingly, debilitatingly tired. I’d have happily spent the last 5 days asleep if I didn’t feel so guilty about it. I’ve also spent a lot of time crying, which is kind of weird because most of the time I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m guessing something is coming out of my subconscious and that’s fine so I let it happen. I figure it has to stop eventually. My stomach is still in knots and grumbling about everything.

The websites have been less helpful than I thought they would be, mostly because most of the pressure I’m experiencing is from things I can’t change. There’s a lot of useful advice in there about changing thought patterns and trying to relax and have fun, but what if the problem isn’t the thought patterns and it’s the situation? A lot of the things about coping mechanisms were things I already knew from previous counselling and are things that I do anyway. I’m good at thought flipping and finding blessings and silver linings. It doesn’t change the fact that there are so many things going on completely out of my control that are putting undue pressure on me and there doesn’t seem to be a whole hell of a lot of advice out there about dealing with those things. Most of the pages have a small paragraph at the bottom about how sometimes we just need to accept the things we can’t change, without any real useful practical advice on how to manage that. I know I can’t change things right now. I have accepted that. What I don’t know is how to stop these things breaking my body down.

I went to the doctor yesterday. She was sympathetic but it was less helpful than I expected because she kept asking if I was sad or anxious or both and I don’t feel like it’s either. I don’t feel depressed or anxious. I’m tired and struggling to cope with all these major changes. I’ll freely admit to having down days and the odd bout of anxiety, and I know what those things feel like and can recognise them, but it doesn’t feel like either is the big picture here. In any event, she did warn me it would probably get a lot worse before it gets better. It’s not a cheery thought, but okay. I’m considering myself forewarned. She started me on a low dose of fluoxetine. She wanted to try propranolol but I took that before when they were trying to treat headaches and it massively aggravated my sleep disturbances so that’s not helpful right now. Hopefully the fluoxetine will stop my body from imploding and give me enough of a break to actually start processing things. It’s going to take several weeks to work, though. She also told me to take the next two weeks off and refer myself for more counselling. I guess we’ll see what that brings.

None of my test results were back so that wasn’t particularly helpful. I have to go back in 2 weeks for reassessment in any event, so I guess we’ll have a clearer picture then.

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